I literally can’t find the words. I don’t feel connected to the energy. I feel empty but my mind flashes pictures and moments in time. I only have memory recall inside of me.
I’m too afraid to pray to someone else for help. Do I deserve help? Am I too strong for help? Am I too much of a leader for help? Am I too insecure for help?
I don’t understand why I can’t feel myself enough to gage how to speak for myself. There is an absence of self expression within me. My throat chakra is blocked. I’m not getting out of myself.
It’s a very frightening moment and time in my life because I don’t always connect to the energy of God. I don’t feel in control of my power to tap into the energy of God. I’m often left questioning the presence and existence of God.
I’ve been intentionally trying to pray and I can’t get the words together. I close my eyes and it’s this awkward silence. In this awkward silence I get nervous about what to say to God. Do I greet God first? Do I say thank you before I pour out my frustration? What are the appropriate messages to bring to God? If I speak to myself as God, how do I refrain from beating myself up for needing myself in prayer? I feel guilty for having known what I needed from myself and from life but having not delivered that service and due diligence to myself. Myself won’t help myself so how could I be God? Myself is also too prideful and afraid to need God.
So there it is, my ignorance and pride is in the way. More so just pride. I am in the know more than I can admit to myself because that leaves me, my ego, pride and God all alone in my head. I’m left unable to feel my heart. I can’t feel my center. My chakras are clogged. I am inside of myself suffering from arrogance of the mind and absence of the heart. I am not putting my heart into life or into myself. I am so busy protecting my physical, which I’m doing a piss poor job, I am not living from my core. I’m so insecure and without confidence in myself I won’t even pray for me.
All my grandparents dead, with more ancestors than elders, I been had the recurring feeling that, “ain’t nobody praying for me.”