I’ve been loving and receiving love from a very shallow place.
I’ve been blind.
After, finally exploring dating, I now realize I like to be scammed, bamboozled, or more softly stated, persuaded. I have been unconsciously seeking people that wrap me up in lies and misleads to comfort my void of lack of attention and praise. What’s even more ironic is that this “persuasive love” is the same manipulative delusion a lot of my family encompasses. I guess there really isn’t any irony in the reality but expectancy.
As a child my father would fill my head with promises of what could, what should and what would. I did not recognize the little girl within me is still damaged and holding on to those broken promises. Especially since they seem to constantly keep coming. Accountability is severely lacking in my immediate environment and within myself.
I learned and adopted this desire to be romanticized and praised. I literally just had an epiphany at 26 years old on a random day, “damn Nadiyah not only are you attracted to deception and mediocrity, you’re also requiring it as a prerequisite to be in your life.”
I really laugh at myself and the twisted ideologies of life I’ve embody and projected. I am in fact bitter about the pasts short comings, obsessive about remaining within and escaping the delusions created within and around me, while also self righteously pumping up my perceptions of myself.
Wow, taking steps backwards to reconnect the past self with the current self, to ultimately have an overall perception of self, is something trippy.
I literally spend so much time within myself I’ve deeply and intensely learned myself. In this knowledge of myself though, I’m fearful, insecure and strangely unaware. It’s this ignorance of my true self that has been overshadowed by this self I constantly keep trying to create and be that is not true to me. I’m literally fighting myself to be myself because my defensively coping self is trying so hard to be in control. I call her the bitter bitch because she is truly a character of her own.
I’ve learned to internalize the deception which somehow now has been deceiving myself. The hate and abuse is self inflicted. I’m literally out here self sabotaging on a daily. Creating disasters and storms anywhere I go and that is mainly because the disaster is in my head.
I’m aware to prevent from driving myself immensely mentally ill and further separated from myself, I must stop parting ways with my true identity. There is a deep need for re-connection and acceptance. There is still a lot of gray area and confusion that keeps the images and understandings of life and myself blurred in my mind. However it’s a work in progress and truly a journey.